We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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