nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
