either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
