I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
