I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
