He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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