I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You may now shotgun with the bride
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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