he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
