the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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