Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
