he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize