Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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