Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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