You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
