woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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