My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I need moral support for this bender
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
