even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
