I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
