to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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