Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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