I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
