Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
