Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
