I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize