Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
where am i from again
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
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