If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
