I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Randomize
