im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize