She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
We had to coat check the pizza.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
