I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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