I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
not ubering you a puppy
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
