My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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