be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
