Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
my phone needs a breathalizer
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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