i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
