i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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