Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
