A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
