i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
