literally had 100 drinks last night.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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