I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
