I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
