take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
