i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize