i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
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