woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
