this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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