Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
