Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
are you so shy because you have an std?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
