fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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