Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
