he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
