i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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