I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Randomize
