You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
