fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
