I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
