I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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