Betty ford says i'm here all night
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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