By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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